So what are men looking for in a woman? Dave at Garfield Ridge found this Lothario’s manifesto on Craigslist.

Do you dream of a man who will “love you just for you?”

Do believe that you have peripheral, intangible qualities that men of substance will key upon and gravitate to?

Do you shun the gym in favor of The Apprentice and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Chunkey Monkey, thinking that your black cigarette pants will sufficiently mask any belly spillage or ass expansion?

Then forget it. It’s game over. You’re a walking, talking non-compete clause and you’re going to end up alone with a slobbering oversized Rotweiller named Chuckles.

Pull your head out of your ass and be advised - porn viewing/obsession is spreading like the plague amongst my gender - upping the already unrealistic physical expectations, pushing boundaries in the bedroom (you’re down with anal, right?), and providing instant, customize-able sexual highs with the push of a button.

If you’re female and you don’t posess prodigal, Einsteinian caliber intelligence that would propel the cause of humanity forward, and, if you don’t relish the idea of being alone, then . . .

. . . throw every last dollar you have at your physical appearance.

I’m serious. Personal trainer. Porcelain veneers. High-end boob job. Get scared and get it done.

I could not disagree more. Maybe it’s just me, but I am really not attracted to women who look like they work in porn. Give me a real woman. Give me natural curves (no silicone please). Give me a real personality. Give me natural beauty, not porn star polish.

As usual, Ace of Spades gets it right:

My best guess is that while some guys do have impossible standards (in college we called them “virgins”), guys who write like this — under the guise of trying to “help” women — are just lashing out at them in a passive-aggressive way. They despise women, hate the fact they can’t land the women they think they’re entitled to, and so they attack women generally at being far beneath their standards.

You also see this phenomenon quite frequently in the comments on Fark.

Jim: First, insert standard denunciations of crude objectification of women. Bad, bad, bad. There, now that that’s done, let’s broaden this a bit beyond pornography. As I’m sure you’ve noticed, your local newsstand has got a lot more than Playboy - there’s a whole genre of not-quite-porn that specializes in persuading Hollywood starlets to wear next to nothing instead of nothing, and suddenly it’s just a not-too-scandalous “laddie” magazine - Maxim, FHM, Stuff, etc. The red-blooded man in me likes the fact that on any given month, I can see Monica Bellucci wearing next to nothing, giving a sultry pout and a vampish look in her eye that says, “Sure, the other guys may objectify me for my stunning classical beauty and perfect curves, but you appreciate me for my mind and my sophisticated European outlook.” Er, where was I going with this? Oh yes - so now, in addition to the widespread availability of porn, we’ve now got even more widespread near-porn… which I figure at some level has to affect the way we perceive beauty in the opposite sex.

None of this is to jump on the ban-it-we-can’t-help-ourselves prohibitionism. But I can’t help but wonder if as each generation gets exposed to more and more examples of stunning physical beauty, their standard of what is “beautiful” gets pickier and pickier - because in mass media, there seem to be tons of stunningly beautiful women in the world.

By the way, I’m probably the last person who should be offering advice or general pronouncements on this subject, because I dealt with the irrepressible desire to be with a woman who looks like Monica Bellucci… by marrying the closest thing to Monica Bellucci on this continent. She’ll never appear on On Tap, TKS, or NRO - (well, any more than she already has, intriguing hint-hint) but for the readers at home wondering just how smokin’ hot this mystery woman is, let me spell it out for you:

I’m in Turkey. For a little more than another year.

For our male readers, picture what it would take to get you to move to the other hemisphere for a year or two, and you probably have a good idea of Mrs. TKS.

You know, I would make a terrible relationship advice columnist.

Marshall: I don’t have much to add to this thread, except that I agree with Cam. I’m into women who look like real people. And if all you’re looking for in a relationship is sex, you’re never going to get very far. After all Jim, for all of your jaw-scraping over Mrs. TKS’s looks, you didn’t move to Turkey with her because she was hot.

Cam: Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what Jim was insinuating. At least until Mrs. TKS reads this post.

Jim: I’m half-joking, half-serious when I suggest that my wife’s hottitude is a key factor in why I’m here. Look, we’re three married guys, and we all have public reputations as mature, distinguished, sophisticated, non-neanderthal paragons of masculinity to maintain. But I can’t help but sense that the insistence that men aren’t really into women who look like porn stars and that we want “real” women who look like real people is a bit of overcompensation. (I guess first we have to clear up what constitutes “porn star polish”. To clarify, I’m broadening our discussion from of-course-they’re-fake-bleach-blonde porn stars to Hollywood starlets, models, etc. Monica Bellucci’s my preferred example, but fill in the jaw-dropping babe of your choice here - Catherine Zeta Jones, Salma Hayek, Scarlett Johanssen, etc.)

Physical and personal appearance matters in this world; we can talk about inner beauty all we like, but at the end of the day, we take in 90 percent of our sensory data through our eyes. While the “I only want pornstars” guy who started this discussion is more than a little bit of a creepy loser, he has something of a point in that we are attracted to beauty, we want beauty, and it’s a big factor in who we date and eventually settle down with. Beauty doesn’t seal the deal, but it gets you in the door.

And it’s a two-way street. We men work out and/or attempt to eat right, worry about gray hairs, try to keep our complexion clear, use the teeth-whitening toothpaste, wear just the right cologne, dress spiffy… is this all for our own health and well-being? Or is there another factor - that even if we’re married, we want to look good and turn heads?

Or am I just really shallow?

In retrospect, this is a great topic to discuss on Valentine’s Day.

Cam: It’s not that I don’t like beautiful women, it’s more that my definition of beautiful doesn’t include perfect hair, silicone implants, or Hollywood makeup.

The Craigslist guy says he wants a woman who looks like someone who does internet porn, but let’s be honest. From what I’ve seen, most of those women aren’t that attractive to begin with. Is it possible that what he (and most men, by extension) really want are women who are as wild as those he sees on the internet?

At the end of the day though, I’m just lucky that I’ve found a hot woman who loves me, so I don’t have to be as bitter as Craigslist guy.