Scott McClellan’s leaving. I think in light of Jim’s recent rants, he should be a lock for the job of White House Press Secretary.

Jim: My goal would be to address all inquiries in the manner of Dr. Gregory House. Seriously, relations with the White House are so bad, the Bush administration has little to lose by choosing the most derisive, disrespectful and verbally abusive press secretary they can find.

What follows is Jim’s “Demo Tape” for the job of White House Press Secretary:

Cam, as Helen Thomas: Jim, Iranian President Ahmadnicrazyguy has said that Israel is a “boil on the buttocks of Islamic supremacy.  We are the lance that will puncture that festering, pus-filled boil.”  Does the President agree with Ahmadnicrazyguy’s assessment of Israel?

Jim: Helen, hold it. Stop right there. I want you to read that question again, silently and in your head, so that none of us have to hear the windy noise of your lips flapping again. Now, have you read the question again in your head?

Helen Thomas: Blargle abrgha ifh ods.  Bush lied.  How can you look at yourself in the mirror every morning knowing you work for the Devil himself, Mr. Geraghty?

Jim: Damn. I was hoping that your stupid mind contemplating your own stupid question would create such an intense vortex of stupid that your head would implode. Sorry, camera guys in the back, I really tried to get you guys a good visual today.

Cam: Jim, David Gregory.  Is it true that in fact, you had relations with several goats while you were living in Turkey?

Jim says: Gregory, I admire your commitment to the twelve step program. However, one of the steps is making amends, and you still haven’t apologized to the American people for wasting our time with your hyperventalating tantrums that you claim are questions.

Gregory: A followup, Jim.  Fuck you.

Jim: See you at happy hour, Gregory.

Gregory: Do you know who I am?  I am DAVID FUCKING GREGORY OF N-FUCKING-B-FUCKING-C.  YOU’RE DEAD, GERAGHTY!!!  DEAD!!!!  I’LL HAVE YOUR LIVER FOR LUNCH!! (to cameraman)  Did you get that on tape?  Was it my good side?  I’m on “Hardball” tonight.

Jim: Gregory, I’m told liver goes well with chianti, but I don’t want to send you on another bender, so I’ll move on to the mouth breathing wastes of space on the other side of the room… yes, you?

Cam: Jeff Gannon, Talon News.  Um… do you work out?  And what are you doing after work tonight? 

Jim: To the first question, Yes, and to the second, tonight I’m mocking the lefty bloggers who thought outing you was a significant accomplishment.

Cam: Elizabeth Bumiller, NYTimes.  With the price of gasoline at 3 dollars a gallon, what does the Bush administration plan to do to address the needs of consumers?

Jim: I’ve recommended tapping into the Strategic Snake Oil Reserve that is currently used to fuel Paul Krugman’s columns.

Cam: Followup.  Those columns are behind TimesSelect.  Do I understand that the White House is willing to pay for access to the reserves, or are we talking unilateral invasion of the Old Grey Lady?

Jim: I’ve already addressed Helen. Oh, you mean the other Old Gray Lady.

Helen Thomas:  Invade me, big boy. I haven’t been invaded since Teddy Roosevelt practiced being a Rough Rider on me. Lemme tell you about him speaking softly and using that big stick.

Jim: To answer… to… AAAHHHH! STOP IT!! I can’t write comedy when you’re freaking ME OUT WITH MENTAL PICTURES LIKE THAT!!!!

Cam: Gotta be able to roll with the punches, Mr. Press Secretary.

Jim: Now, to answer your question on the Times, Well, another untouted success of our war on terror has been our successful containment of Maureen Dowd, Krugman, and others wanted for crimes against logic and the English language behind the TimesSelect barrier. An Electron Curtain has descended on the media, and it has successfully isolated some of the voices that are least helpful to informed public discourse.

Reporter: What about David Brooks?

Jim: Every operation has it risks, and at this point we’re ready to classify him as acceptable collateral damage.