I am tired of this behind the scenes disagreement we’ve been having here at OnTap. Reluctantly, I’m forced to go public with this.

Lo Mein is clearly the best Chinese food dish. I know we’ve been able to disagree on a lot of issues here, but Jim and Marshall, if you can’t stand with me on this, then I don’t want you writing here anymore.

Jim: Cam, we have put up with your unpatriotic Lo Mein propaganda for too long. Real Americans, egg roll-eating Americans, know the truth and your scandalous, supremely inappropriate love for Lo Mein has no place on this blog. You leave me no choice but to publish your home phone, home address, and names of your children to the entire public full of loons, stalkers and sickos to dissuade you of your morally incorrect opinion.

Cam: So that’s how you want to play it, eh Jim? You sign your little piece of paper promising not to release any private information and then you go ahead and disregard it at the first opportune time. You’ve always been such an “independent thinker”, and that’s fine. But egg rolls? Good Lord. Shredded cabbage and a minute amount of pork byproduct rolled up in rice paper and deep fried? That’s not food. That’s a Michael Moore suppository.

I mean it. No more posting from you. This is too important an issue for there to be dissent on this blog.

Jim: Ah-ha, I’ve changed my password so that you can’t lock me out. Now to go about revealing The Truth and ending your Lo Mein Reign of Lies.

Cam, every day, millions upon millions of Chinamen come over our borders, carrying Lo Mein with them. And they take away menu slots from good, hardworking American-made egg rolls. They are funded by the Wahhabis, who have infiltrated our government, slipping through security because they’re flat noodles. They’re slippery, Cam, slippery like soy sauce. And we’re supposed to believe that Lo Mein is an “Entree of Peace”? I don’t think so!

Pardon me if I don’t follow Premier Jor Gedub Yubush and the rest of you into voluntary lomeinitude. Or have you forgotten who was behind the Iranian hostage crisis, as organized by the Ayatollah Lomeini!

Marshall: You guys don’t know Lo Mein from Chow Mein or Hussein.

And the best Chinese food is clearly General Tso’s chicken. After all, what other dish can be a tasty dinner and an aggressive yet honorable warrior chief?

Cam: Honorable? You try seeing how honorable you feel after General Tso has brought you to your knees in front of the toilet. “Pray to your porcelain God, Mr. Edwards. Only he can save you now.” Yeah, real honorable.

And Jim, you’ve heard of the movie “With Six You Get Eggroll”, right? Well how many of us can be full from one eggroll? You need more. You need something like… oh, let’s say three. So actually, it’s with 666 you get full. You Satanic bastard, you would turn this blog into an orgy of egg-roll eating wanton (wanton, not Wonton) indulgences, wouldn’t you? Well it’s not going to happen. You’ve been brainwashed by the eggroll loving Turkites and I refuse to listen to you any more!!!

So respect my authoritah! You stand with Lo Mein or you will taste the tip of my boot. Well, Jim won’t taste the tip of my boot because he’s in Turkey and it’s really too far to fly to just kick him in the face. But Marshall, look out.

Jim: Both of you are exhibiting the very worst of our nation today. Don’t even bother arguing with me, I learned how to debate from the great ones like Debbie Schlussel, Bill Quick, and Daily Kos.

Marshall, you clearly have forgotten George Washington’s warning about entangling alliances with foreign powers - and yet, you would tie our nation’s culinary future to a bloodthirsty warlord. Of course you would back food with a military origin - you’ve also refused to heed President Eisenhower’s warnings about the military-industrial complex. What is General Tso’s Chicken if not a military-industrial entree?

Secondly, I note you’re perfectly happy to sit at home while some other young man goes out and plucks the feathers, cooks it, and delivers it to your door. Sure, send them, and let them risk bird flu, kitchen fires and traffic. You know what I’m getting at. I’m calling you out as a General Tso’s Chickenhawk!

And Cam, I know you’ve put on this whole act of being “from Oklahoma,” but it’s clear you’ve joined the ranks of Lomein Liberals, a GCFEINO (Good Chinese-food-eater-in-name-only).

I hope both of understand that like everything else, the issue comes down to our nation’s insatable demand for OIIIIIIIIIILLLLL!!

Er, cooking oil, I mean.