“And this is why I support slaughtering puppies, Mr. Lauer.”
Marshall, UPDATING — April 7, 2007: For reasons known only to Google, the image that Jim used in this now year old post is scoring very high in an image search for “puppies”. For those of you arriving by the route, a warm welcome. Please surf around. However, for the very few who are tempted to send a screaming e-mail or leave a blistering comment attacking us for wanting to kill puppies, please take the time to actually read the post. You’ll discover that it’s obviously sarcastic. And if you spend any time on this site at all, you’ll learn that we all love puppies. Indeed, two of us have puppies of our own. (Here’s a post with a picture of mine.) Thanks again for visiting. Enjoy the photo and the site.
Here begins the original post:
So - as many of you are probably bored of hearing, I have a book coming out. The publication date has been pushed back a month, from August to September.
I’ve been examining all the ways that books get publicized, and it’s clear that in the world of political books, there is no author who is better and more effective at getting publicity than… Ann Coulter.
Like Coulter’s Godless, my book actually talks about the politically-active 9/11 widows a bit, but instead of accusing them of enjoying their husbands’ deaths, I made the mistake of actually quoting them, and spotlighting how the Jersey girls kept offering wild conspiracy theories and factually wrong accounts of the attacks (including alleging that the American and United pilots steered the planes into the targets for the hijackers). Sure, that might be interesting and showing off under-reported, under-noticed facts, but it’s not going to generate controversy and press attention.
Coulter is, indeed, a marketing genius. She now has New Jersey legislators launching an effort to ban her book. (Apparently, the First Amendment is as optional in the Garden State as the Second Amendment is in the District of Columbia.) This is the sort of work that gets you a $3 million advance.
So I’m following the Coulter example and kicking off the publicity tour early by aiming for her particular brand of controversy, taking a widely beloved figure and denouncing it without mercy. So here goes:
“Puppies must die.
You heard me. Oh, sure, they look cute and cuddly, but all of their yipping and yapping only confirms that they’re singing from the anti-Bush songbook. And they piddle on the rug, just like so many other liberals.
These self-obsessed puppies seem genuinely unaware that 9-11 was an attack on our nation and acted like as if they didn’t even understand what the war on terror is all about. Ask them for a strategy to fight the war on terror, and all they have to offer is “woof.”
“Woof,” indeed.
They believe the entire country was required to marinate in their exquisite personal agony — and marvel at the fact that they love to play with a chew toy. Apparently, denouncing Bush was part of the closure process. You can hear it in their YIP YIP YIP mewling noises.
These puppies are constantly lionized on TV and cute posters and notebook covers and screen savers, reveling in their status as celebrities. It’s time for someone to call them out, and stand up to the insidious forces of… Big Puppy.”
The face of the enemy. Don’t be fooled.
Cam: Too many big words. I think you need to re-tool your message. Something like:
Puppies really are the animal embodiment of liberalism. They eat their own feces, piss all over your carpet, and generally try to control your life. Ever actually own a dog? You don’t take it for a walk when you want to. You take it outside when it wants to go outside, and to hell with your wants and needs.
Oh sure, puppies (and liberals) look cute, but they’re dumb as rocks and (in some cases) downright dangerous. We’ve got shelters to euthanize dangerous dogs… why aren’t we putting some liberals “to sleep” as well?
June 12th, 2006 at June 12, 2006 - 3:05 pm
Jim: Looks like Frist beat you to the punch…sort of…
From today’s Tennessean:
“There’s a potential pothole in U.S. Sen. Bill Frist’s road to the White House: He’s a confessed kitty killer.
He fessed up in his 1989 book, “Transplant,” to adopting cats from shelters when he was in medical school, treating them like pets for a while, and then using them in his research experiments. “
http://tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060612/COLUMNIST0101/606120346/1092/NEWS
June 14th, 2006 at June 14, 2006 - 3:43 pm
I see the political commentary like that of a hockey game. Every team has an enforcer whose job it is to fight. Would hockey be a nicer sport if teams did not employ such people? Yes. But in the real world you have liberals who say such outrageous things about conservatives and we just take it. Ann is our team’s enforcer, pulls the liberals jersey over their heads and delivers a couple of hard rights their heads. I hate to say it but I love it when they scream foul.
June 14th, 2006 at June 14, 2006 - 6:25 pm
Comedian Steven Lynch beat you to it with his songs “Dead Puppies” and “Kill a Kitten.”
June 15th, 2006 at June 15, 2006 - 1:04 am
How is it that people are getting so worked up about widows and puppies and 9/11? Am I the only one to notice how many babies are cashing in on the post-WTC fear trade? “Oh, we’we vewy scawed of tewwowists,” they say, demanding food and shelter, and in return occasionally barfing on our jackets. And its not just the cute ones. The ugly ones do it, too, and they get away with it, because no one has the balls to say, “get your own damn bottle, you baby.” Well, not me. I am done.
June 16th, 2006 at June 16, 2006 - 6:12 am
[…] Thus, supporting the slaughter of puppies isn’t satire; it’s a marketing tool. […]
June 16th, 2006 at June 16, 2006 - 10:01 pm
The difference is, Ann is FUNNY. Yes, yes, she goes over the top from time to time, as does say, George Carlin, who goes over the top all the time. But it’s funny. Get it?
And that’s what makes liberal and conservative humorists–even when they go too far–different from your examples like Cindy Sheehan. When some one says the Jersey Girls are “enjoying” their husbands’ deaths, it is a way of saying they are using those deaths for personal gain — money, publicity, take your pick — and it is a clever way to put it.
June 20th, 2006 at June 20, 2006 - 2:27 am
[…] Jim: Fine, fine, Marshall, you’ve made your point. I hearby declare that all puppie-slaughtering policies have been suspended. For now. Related Posts » Reporters and bloggers […]
April 7th, 2007 at April 7, 2007 - 3:28 pm
WTF is your problem? Is your life that bad that you have to take it out on puppies? What the hell? You could have had a website about anything else in the world, but PUPPIES!!!! As far as I’m concerned first of all, I think that you are a loser and that if you’re willing to get on women who’ve lost their families to 9/11 then you have no consideration whatsoever, and that maybe you need to rethink it. Theres a really no reason to be an asshole. I should buy your book just to burn it. And another thing puppies are dependant…. THAT’S WHY THEY’RE CALLED ANIMALS! If you don’t know that then maybe you should go back to the friggin 2nd grade. They’re cute, but even if they weren’t if you don’t want one, or don’t want to take care of them, then don’t get one, comprende?? If you ever ever ever try to come near any one of my dogs if we come in direct contact one day, I would straight up get all over your ass. TRY ME.
Editor’s Note from Marshall: I’ve approved this comment only because it’s indicative of a couple that we’ve gotten, and I want it to stop. I’ve added a similar note to the top of the post to help casual readers recognize that this post is sarcastic. Here’s the text of that note:
April 7, 2007: For reasons known only to Google, the image that Jim used in this now year old post is scoring very high in an image search for “puppies”. For those of you arriving by the route, a warm welcome. Please surf around. However, for the very few who are tempted to send a screaming e-mail or leave a blistering comment attacking us for wanting to kill puppies, please take the time to actually read the post. You’ll discover that it’s obviously sarcastic. And if you spend any time on this site at all, you’ll learn that we all love puppies. Indeed, two of us have puppies of our own. (Here’s a post with a picture of mine.) Thanks again for visiting. Enjoy the photo and the site.
March 18th, 2008 at March 18, 2008 - 7:32 pm
You Big Fat Jerk You think killing puppies is Funny you r so wrong you ****** puppies are inocent you have no reason to go slughtering them……………you should go to HELL….you******
August 28th, 2008 at August 28, 2008 - 7:36 am
HAHAHA… This is the funniest thing I have ever seen, not so much because you satire was successful but because Americans (yes I am one) have in general lost their sense of dry wit and understanding of satire. But hey if you were to say FART everyone would be bursting at the seams with laughter. Maybe you should just put that one word at the end of your post and see what responses you get then.. Hahahahahaha
November 4th, 2008 at November 4, 2008 - 12:14 pm
This person has a sik sik mind! wtf are they thinking about killing innocent puppies?!?
November 7th, 2008 at November 7, 2008 - 6:56 am
I nevertheless agree with the blog starter. Puppies are delicious for ur info, and tell me whatever breed… I had taken their life before just for their tender abd sweet meat. I love retriever the best.. Haha…
November 21st, 2008 at November 21, 2008 - 4:06 am
I THINK UR INSAIN
YEAH THEY MIGHT PISS ON THE CARPET BUT REALLY ITS UR FAULT FOR HAVING THEM INSIDE U SICKEN ME YEAH SOME MAY B DANGEROUS BUT WAT ABOUT THE NON DANGEROUS ONES
November 21st, 2008 at November 21, 2008 - 4:17 am
Leave puppies alone, what have they ever done to you? What is wrong with you? You savage human being. Quite frankly i’m not even sure you’re human as what kind of person would want to kill a puppy?
It’s barbaric that there is such thing as puppy slaughtering but for people to support it, like you; that’s just shameful.
Somewhere along the line your parents failed with you if you support these inhumane ideas of such slaughtering.
December 3rd, 2008 at December 3, 2008 - 9:39 pm
i lllllllllllllllloooooooooooooooooooooooooovvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeee
dogssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss