Sorry to interrupt the “lemme disagree with Cam” posts, but something happened last night/today that I want to get off my chest. And for some reason it feels more appropriate to write about it here than at my place.

My brother died last night. Technically he’s my half-brother. Dad’s been married three times, and Tim was from the first marriage. I’m from the second. Thank God Dad didn’t procreate in marriage three, because it’s hard enough keeping track of the seven of us kids as it is.

Actually, now there are five. My dad’s first daughter, Victoria, died when she was about 3 months old (back in the 1950’s). Dad was in college at the time, and I guess it would be classified as SIDS if it happened today. She was in her stroller on the apartment balcony for a few minutes. Dad’s wife went outside and found her not breathing.

I bring this up because I didn’t even know I had this sister until 5 years ago, when the remaining kids all got together for Dad’s 75th birthday. And believe it or not, that was the first time that all six of us kids had ever been in the same room together. It was the first time I can remember ever meeting my brother Tim. How weird is it to not meet your brother until you’re 27?

But that’s my family. Geographical distance and generation gaps have separated us for years. The past five years have been a little bit better in terms of everyone talking, but it would be a joke to say that Tim and I were close.

And now we never will be.

I gotta say, what’s really bothering me right now is wondering what my father’s going through. To lose not one, but two of your children… it’s not the natural order of things. Then again, I’m dreading the day that I get a call telling me one of my parents have died. Dad’s 80, Mom’s 72. She’s already talking about what she wants me to have after she dies. I don’t want to hear that. I don’t want to hear my parents talk about their death. You don’t ever want to hear your parents have sex, and you don’t ever want to hear them talk about their own demise. It’s a law… or it should be.

My mind’s a bit of a jumble right now, in case you haven’t figured it out. I keep thinking about my daughter Mallory, 18 years older than her youngest siblings, and I wonder if she will have the same relationship (or lack thereof) that Tim and I had. I hope not. I’m sorry I didn’t know my brother better, and I’m sorry I’ve lost the chance to make that right.

Jim: Wow. Cam, words can’t express how sorry I am to hear that — I’m absolutely flailing to think of the right words, or any words to say. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, and hope to not ever have to go through it myself.

For what it’s worth — and at a time like this, probably not much - for whatever your regrets, I’ve always seen the way you operate in this world as a worker, a friend, a spouse and as a father as a role model - you juggle it all with excellence. Take time for your regrets, but don’t spend too much time on them - you’ve done more than your share to make the world a better place for the people in your life.