Twelve aspects of American life  - particulary, Washington D.C. and its surrounding suburbs — that have changed in my absence…

1) When I left, the D.C. Metro system was in the process of installing electronic platform signs. That system is now complete, and tells me the scheduled arrival of Metro trains in some alternate dimension, because it rarely if ever aligns with the arrival of the trains at the station I’m at.

2) When I left, every other Metro escalator was broken. Now… okay, that’s pretty much the same.

3) Everyone has an Ipod.

4) Everyone has a PDA, and is addicted to it. It seems like very few people carry a laptop computer.

5) D.C. has a baseball team… that wants 20 bucks a ticket to watch one of the all-time most painful rebuilding seasons.

6) My local Harris Teeter appears to have roughly eighty different kinds of mustard. The prices at Harris Teeter are high, but I can usually balance that out from all the free samples they offer.

7) I now have a stunning variety of cable channels and shows on-demand. And there ain’t %#$^% on that I want to watch. The price of flat-screen televisions is strikingly inexpensive compared to a few years ago, but before I make the expense, I have to ask myself, just what am I going to watch that I need the big screen for? Law and Order episodes? Yeah, Jack McCoy’s self-righteousness loses its nuance on the smaller screen.

On a related note, if you click through the channels, and you hear the phrase, “Is that how it happened when you raped her?” in an accusatory tone, there’s a 99.8 percent chance you’re watching an episode of “Law and Order: SVU.” Also, “We found the bucket of severed ring fingers and pigtails over here, Lieutenant.”

There’s now vitamin-infused Coke. If I’m drinking a Coke, I’ve pretty much decided that I’m not interested in vitamins.

9) What the hell happened to George Michael? I’m used to a ludicriously over-the-top homer with a combover doing the sports, the kind of man who would say, “Last night’s thrilling 9 to 6 overtime win over the Houston Texans, a fantastic start in the first preseason game, has everyone at Redskins Park saying the same thing: This is our year to win the Super Bowl.” Now I’ve got some perky young blonde woman. Thank God Jim Vance and Doreen Gentzler are still there to do the local news.

10) Tony Kornheiser doesn’t write a column anymore, but the Post transcribes bits of his show with Wilbon. Talk about phoning it in. Great. No more of his sports columns, which were actually funny, and more of his wocka-wocka Fozzie Bear schtick on Monday Night Football.

11) Cam, you would know this - any local talk radio besides Washington Post radio?

12) There’s a schlocky done-in-twenty-minutes-with-a-budget-of-four-dollars-and-eighty-cents horror movie coming out every week.

Marshall: Wow. Great post, Jim. It’s amazing how much things have changed around here in just the couple of years you’ve been gone. Mind if add a couple?

13) One of the greatest restaurants on the east coast — the Labratorio del Galileo — is closed while its building is razed and rebuilt.

14) There’s a new director and a new panda at the national zoo, and the zoo is poised for a remarkable turnaround after several years of tough times.

15) The Democrats control Congress. But the less said about that, the better.

16) The old Wilson Bridge was brought down by explosive charges, not careening traffic, and one of the two spans of the new bridge is now complete.

17) The Air Force Memorial, sitting atop a ridge overlooking the Pentagon, officially opened to the public.

18) The Redskins suck. Oh. Wait. Nevermind.

19) The Washington Capitals… Oh. Wait. Nevermind.

20) National Review has expanded its lineup of three or four blogs to something approaching a million.

21) The massive new addition to Tyson’s Corner Center opened, complete with movie theater and food court.

22) Katie Couric took over the anchor desk at CBS and promptly returned the network’s flagship evening newscast to the cellar where it belongs.

Cam: Local talk radio? I think Michael Graham might still be doing his show on WMAL, but honestly I haven’t listened.

I think there’ve been a coupel of other changes since you left… I have two more kids now. And a dog. You can actually have the dog as a housewarming present if you’d like.

Let’s see… other new things…

- Red Zebra broadcasting. I hate the fact that ESPN radio is all static-y now.

- Wegman’s has moved into the area (and is worth the drive).

I might think of some others later. I just wanted to show that yes, I am still contributing (feebly) to the blog.