So blogging from a 737 gets you an Insta-link? Well top this:

I’m blogging from the back of a pony right now. And I’m using my laptop. I’m also using an ethernet cable, not wireless.

You don’t want to know where it’s plugged in.

Shempu: I don’t even need a pony. I blog using sonar.

Marshall: Shut up, Shempu. We all know you were the first one in line to buy an iPhone.

Jim: I was going to call Shempu to mock him, but he wasn’t in an area where AT&T has coverage.

I’ve been enjoying a few days off, visiting family in San Antonio, Texas. Yesterday, I had the chance to visit Sea World San Antonio and, thanks to the hard work of one relative (she knows who she is) to take advantage of a special Sea World offering.

I’d been to Sea World before. A few years ago, my wife and I visited Sea World San Diego. We did the usual things — checked out the penguins, laughed at the walruses, and saw the dolphin, killer whale and sea lion shows. I remember leaving a little underwhelmed, but at the time, I couldn’t really put my finger on the reason.

Nevertheless, I was looking forward to yesterday’s Sea World visit, because I was going to experience something very cool — I was going to don a wet suit and get into a pool with several Beluga whales.

Beluga whales are native to the arctic, which explains their white coloring. According to the folks at Sea World, they cruise around widely, but have never been sited south of the South Lawrence River. Interestingly, Belugas are one of the few whales species that are essentially non-migratory. They like the cold water of the arctic, and so there they stay. Your basic Beluga is a little larger than a dolphin. At Sea World, the Belugas perform in a thrice daily show called Viva, which also incorporates acrobatic platform divers and some excitable dolphins.

So, after watching an educational video in air conditioned comfort, we were fitted with wet suits and aqua socks and made our way out to the pool. Why the wet suit? Well, as I mentioned, Belugas like their water cold — about 58 degrees Fahrenheit as it turns out — so we needed the wet suits to prevent hypothermia.

Once at the pool, we split up into small groups, a couple of us joining a a friendly “trainer” named Michelle.

Michelle instructed us on how to enter the pool and warned us that the first couple of minutes would be exceedingly cold while the wet suit warmed up. Nevertheless, she said, it’s important to keep still and not hop around lest the whales decide that they aren’t interested in meeting you after all. Sure enough, when we slid into the pool, it was cold. But in seconds one the four whales in the pool with us swam over and said hello, and the chilly water was quickly forgotten.

The whales were great fun, and interacting with them was an incredible experience. Their skin is very much like our own, and the melon at the front of their head — which acts as the transmission point for their sonar — was unique in my experience. Imagine the feeling if you didn’t have a skull and could move your brain around with your hands.

Most interesting was the fact that Belugas, unlike dolphins or orcas, have diffused vertebrae. That means they can turn and swivel their heads like we can. They diverged from other whales in another key respect as well: Belugas don’t have a dorsal fine. Instead, they have a bony ridge at the top of their back which they use for breaking breathing holes in arctic ice.

We spent the first few minutes taking pictures. The whales were trained to kiss us on the cheek, give us a hug, and lay next to us at the edge of the pool.

Over the next thirty minutes or so, we got to visit with each of the four whales, and Michelle demonstrated the various behaviors that each had been trained to perform on cue.

Michelle had mentioned earlier that she was not a marine biologist, general biologist, or chemist. In fact, her degree was in psychology, a background that she found to be perfect for working with the Belugas because, she explained, she was an expert in understanding and shaping behavior. Marine biologists, she said, focus on a large ecosystem. Biologists are more interested in physiology. No, she said, psychology was perfect for her job at Sea World as an “animal trainer.”

It was during this conversation that I realized what had been bugging me about Sea World.

At other zoos and aquariums that I have visited, there has always been a commitment to science. Often, this commitment is only the flimsiest pretense, but it is ever-present. Naturally, some zoos and aquariums do better than others in justifying their claims with action. But even the pretense is important. If the animals are there for study, then they are NOT solely there for our entertainment. Instead, we are holding them in captivity, at least in part, for our enlightenment or in an attempt to save their species from extinction. Ultimately, it is, at least in part, about them.

Thanks to its proximity and the fact that I am member, the bulk of my experience in such matters is with the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. There, biologists, veterinarians and zoologists participate in dozens of programs to help salvage species that are on the brink. A few that leap to mind include the Cheetah, Golden Lion Tamarin, Asian Elephant, and, of course, the famous Giant Panda. At their research facility near Winchester, Virginia, National Zoo scientists are also working to save a number of species of African grazing animals. The National Zoo also concerns itself with conservation. Conservation messages dot its campus, as the Zoo captures the opportunity to deliver those messages to zoo visitors at at the very time they might do the most good — when they are staring face to face with the kind of animal that they might help save.

At America’s foremost aquarium, the Monterey Bay Aquarium in California, scientists are making huge progress in understanding and saving species like the California Sea Otter. Indeed, their efforts to rescue orphaned pups and return them to the wild have set the standard for such programs all over the world. To the extent that facilities like Monterey Bay or the National Aquarium in Baltimore, Maryland, train animals like pacific bottlenose dolphins, they do so within the framework of having the animals exhibit behaviors that they would display in the wild — all the better for the guests to fall in love and help take action to keep wild dolphins from getting caught up in massive tuna nets.

Not so at Sea World.

Simply put, Sea World fails to put on even the barest pretense regarding conservation, as Michelle’s explanation of her educational background illustrates. If Sea World were interested in understanding Beluga whales, the person assigned to spend hour upon hour each day would have the background to understand and glean insights from their behavior. Instead, Sea World has assigned someone trained to understand and manipulate their behavior. Indeed, the person assigned to interact with guests in the presence of these great whales might spend a few minutes educating folks about what the whales’ life in the wild. (We wouldn’t have learned anything beyond what was in the video if we hadn’t asked.)

In short, it’s not about the animals. It’s about entertaining us.

This was brought home yet again later in the day when we attended the afternoon killer whale show. Instead of a simple show with the majestic whales exhibiting their behavior for all to see, we encountered a multi-media extravaganza, complete with jumbo-tron and contrived plot. And it was that plot that was so revealing. The story wasn’t about a whale. It wasn’t about marine life at all. And it certainly wasn’t about conservation. It was about a kid who wanted to be an animal trainer. Called “Believe,” the show was a shockingly self-indulgent — even for SeaWorld — masterpiece of self-congratulation. The whales, with all of their wondrous natural talent were relegated to props for the heroic trainers to ride to and fro. (Incidentally, as I scanned the audience during the show, I was struck by the fact that no one was watching the video. Everyone was looking for the whales. Note to Sea World: Your guests are there to sea the animals. Not the trainers.) The irony came together at the culmination of the show, which involved four trainers swimming a pattern across the pool and then perching on the pool edge to wave to the crowd. There were no whales in site.

It was after the show that I encountered the first and only conservation message that I witnessed during the entire day. It was a simple color flyer, promoting the Sea World / Busch Gardens conservation fund. I encountered it on the wall above a urinal.

I know that Sea World claims to be committed to conservation. I recall seeing coverage, from time to time, of Sea World Florida’s on-going effort to save injured Manatees. I vaguely hearing of grants and the like to scientists.

But in San Diego and San Antonio — the Sea World parks that I have visited — Sea World is evidently making a conscious decision to pass on a golden opportunity. Instead of embracing the opportunity for a day-long teachable moment, Sea World has rejected it in favor of employing their animals as nothing more than props.

Now, someone is going to argue that Sea World is in business to make money, and that they make money by entertaining their visitors. Well, duh. But Sea World can successfully conduct its business, entertain its guests, and demonstrate a commitment to a greater responsibility. That seems like a no brainer to me. And it should to them, too.

Sea World has the power to reach a lot of people, to teach them about our oceans and the life within — much of which is threatened by overfishing, pollution and countless other perils. But they choose not to.

Certainly, that’s their choice. Just as it’s my choice to spend my money elsewhere. And that’s just what I’ll be doing from now on. Even though I really enjoyed my morning with the Beluga whales.

UPDATE: Another person in my party reports seeing a good deal more information than I did about the conservation fund. There was also a quiz before the killer whale show that purported to be about conservation, but all of the questions were about the size and lifestyle of the whales at Sea World. Nothing about conditions in the wild or how to preserve them.

This person also suggests that the clearest message from Sea World or its parent, Anheuser-Busch, throughout the day were the repeated messages, signs and information celebrating visiting veterans. While I strongly support this effort, and was glad to join an ovation for the vets in attendance at the killer whale show, it underscores the utter failing when it comes to conservation. If Sea World could deliver a compelling (and well deserved) thank you for the troops, they could certainly do the same with a conservation message for their guests.

UPDATE II: It just hit that during my search to round up all of the links for this post, I had an incredibly hard time even finding anything about conservation on Sea World’s various websites. Just another proof point…

Cam: Full disclosure requires that I state I have family members that work for Sea World’s parent company… so make what you will of my comments.

I have never been to Sea World, so I cannot speak with any first-hand knowledge of their conservation efforts. I will only say that it took me literally seconds to find information about conservation on Sea World’s website. I see that Sea World has given more than $2.2 million dollars in grants for conservation efforts since 2004. The fund has helped detain more than 250 poachers. And the fund has helped engineer a design change for fishhooks that reduce the number of sea turtles caught by 90%. So there.

I realize this might put me on Al Gore’s shit list, but I don’t constantly need to be reminded of the urgent need to SAVE THE PLANET! Sometimes it’s cool to go and see some neat creatures without it being drummed into my head that if only I wasn’t so greedy and consumerific that there’d be more of these majestic sea slugs for the world to enjoy. Sometimes I just want to see a dancing whale. Though I have to say, the whole “Trainer” thing does sound kinda lame.

Shempu: Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! You want to see a dancing whale, huh? You weren’t saying that the other day when I was doing the Lambada in the living room.

Cam: That’s because A) Thongs on whales aren’t appealing, and B) I was trying to eat at the time.

Jim: Fascinating stuff, Marshall. I’ve never been to Sea World, and so I can’t evaluate whether the criticism is fair. I do know the Baltimore Aquarium, a pretty darn good one, does a good show with quite a bit of education of species, etc.

I have been to the National Zoo quite a bit, and the last time I was there (summer 2004, I think? Hey, I’ve been out of the country for two years) it looked more than a little run down. I’ll have to check it out to see if the facilities have improved.

I’m having a discussion/argument with my wife, who feels it’s incredibly stupid to spend $250 for a VIP ticket to the Virgin Music Festival coming up in August.

My argument is that $250 is a fair price for really good seats to see the Police, Fountains of Wayne, Modest Mouse, and Cheap Trick (all bands I would really like to see live).

Agree? Disagree?

Shempu: Wheeeee! You know how Shempu hates to be the bearer of bad news, but that’s the weekend you’re celebrating your wedding anniversary! Moot point, chump! Wheeeee!

Cam: I hate to admit it, but Shempu’s right. Oh well, instead of being at the Virgin Festival… I will be celebrating my non-virgin-ness.

Jim: I’ll begin with the obvious answer: Get three tickets - one for you, one for your wife, and one for her friend who would enjoy the concert the most. Make the day about her.

As for whether $250 for a concert ticket is too much, well, it all depends on what you’re willing to pay. I’m not a huge concert guy, so I’m not all that interested in spending $250 a head. I’ll spend about $30 a seat on tickets to a ballgame. If it were, say, a Yankees-Red Sox series, I would pay more… and probably end up spending a lot more. I’d spend bigger money on a road trip to see the Jets play somewhere, but football tickets are a different economy - only sixteen games for the season.

The Mrs. and I have traditionally splurged on our anniversary with a trip to some far-off land. Every two years, the vacation coincides with my “whew, I’m exhausted from six months of the Kerry Spot” or “whew, I’m exhausted from hawking my book while the GOP implodes” nervous breakdowns.

Another thought - is there any way you can think of making $500 fast to balance out the expenditure? Sell something on E-Bay or Craig’s List or something?

Finally, I don’t believe what I’ve just been told. Shempu LOVES being the bearer of bad news.

Cam: Good idea Jim, but Elaine wouldn’t go. She hates crowds. Plus, like I said, I realized I’m already committed to that weekend.

But 30 bucks? Damn dude, you’re cheap. I don’t go to many games, but when I go I like to have good seats, so I’ll pay a decent amount of money (or mooch off of Marshall).

Yeah! Great news for the national zoo and its panda lovers.

Shempu: What about the whales?! The zoo needs some whales. And some baby whales. In fact, I think they ought to just turn the whole zoo into a big pool for lots and lots and lots of whales! Wheeeeeeee!

UPDATE: It’s official. Here’s the updated story.

Jim: Destined for Political Oblivion: Ned Lamont. It’s really quite shocking that his primary win was such an earthquake, wasn’t it? And then, pfffffft. The air came out of the balloon.

And while the Netroots crowd can claim to have played a role in the Democrats’ good year, the blogging riffraff around Lamont proved themselves a bunch of no-talent assclowns. Lamont could have taken a couple million out of his cable TV fortune and flushed it down the toilet, and gotten about the same results. Ned Lamont never had a prayer of beating Lieberman in a general election; yet his supporters touted the deer-in-the-headlights stiff as the second coming of John F. Kennedy. They couldn’t get the antiwar candidate to win in Connecticut in the best year for Democrats in a decade, maybe 20 years.

They came up with “Rape Gurney Joe,” the Kos-enters-Lamont’s-house ad, the Lieberman-in-blackface image, the silly and stupid coordinated effort to talk up Schlesinger’s chances. Afterwards, they insisted that Lieberman’s 10 point victory was “hollow.” The Lamontsters never figured out how to persuade someone who didn’t already agree with them. They will ultimately be remembered as a noisy but ineffective sideshow; the John Birch Society without the firearms, the Lyndon LaRouche Crowd with modems.

Runner Up: George Allen. Was this guy really going to make a serious push for the GOP nomination?

Cam: Destined for Political Oblivion? My pick is Patty Wetterling. Who? She’s run for Congress twice in Minnesota, and lost both times. If you’re a Democrat running for an open seat in Minnesota in 2006, and you don’t win… pack it in sister, because you’re finished.

Marshall: Sounds to me like most of those folks have reached political oblivion already. Not sure they need a push from us.

As for destined for political oblivion, I’m going with Roy Blunt. Whipping a minority operation in the House is challenging. But keeping the conference together — or getting it back together — is more important than ever. Blunt is destined to fail, and, I fear, spectacularly. If GOPers struggle to regain their House majority, the lack of visionary leadership in the House will surely be a big reason.

Shempu: Wheee!!! I’m so glad to be out of the bathtub! My flippers were getting cramped. Shempu’s pick for Political Oblivion is that guy who wrote “Painting the Map Red”. How well did that work out in November? Shempu says you might as well write a book about how 9/11 will impact politics for decades. Wheee!!!!

Jim: (sigh) Damn that Shempu. Damn him. (reverting to McLaughlin voice) Gutsy choice by Mr. Manson! Presidents in their final two years begin thinking of their legacy and always want to accumulate legislative accomplishments; and 19 House Republicans won by five percentage points or less in 2006 - quite a few by the skin of their teeth. These 19 House Republicans will be eager to pass popular initiatives on a bipartisan basis, while the House Republican Caucus of the coming congress will be more conservative overall, and eager to block the agenda of Nancy Pelosi. Blunt. Has his work. Cut out for him. Back after this break.

Jim, playing the role of John McLaughlin in our roundtable: Destined for Political Stardom: Pope Benedict the XVI. No, really. We thought we were getting a cranky German theologian, who didn’t understand the world outside the church and had no hope of equaling his predecessor on the world stage. And yet with a couple of intriguing moves this year, Benedict demonstrated he can use his theological status to influence the debate around the globe.

First, while we love the way the South Park guys illustrated the double-standard of tolerance in the aftermath of the Danish cartoon controversy, Benedict’s address in Germany used one line from a Byzantine Emperor to point out what everyone knows, but is afraid to say publicly– that large swaths of the Muslim world cannot deal with criticism or free expression, and explode in murderous rage at the slightest perceived insult. In response to the accusation of violent tendencies, churches were firebombed in Nablus and Gaza, a Somali nun was murdered by shooting her in the back, and outside Westminster Cathedral, protestors held banners which included calls for the Pope’s execution –  confirming the accusation inherent in the quote.

The fact that the editors of New York Times, reacting to Benedict’s words and the response of riots, death threats and actual murders from the Muslim world, chose to denounce Benedict, may have been the single most revealing statement of the year.

Then, having been denounced in much of the Muslim world as an enemy, he comes to Turkey in November and wins over a lot of skeptical Turks with his slightly more open stance on Turkey entering the EU, but emphasizes the importance of tolerance and religious freedom in Turkey. He speaks a little Turkish, waves the Turkish flag, praises his hosts, prays at Ataturk’s mausoleum, visits the Blue Mosque and bows his head in the direction of Mecca – and suddenly Turks have to recognize he’s hitting all the right notes. Then he has a solid, positive meeting with Ecumenical Patriarch Bartholomew I; while reuinification with the Eastern Orthodox Church isn’t going to happen overnight, the image of the two men praying together, and then clasping their hands before a crowd of worshippers of both faiths is a lovely signal of religious brotherhood in an era where faith divides so many.

The Papacy is a nearly-unequaled megaphone for communicating a message; I think this was the year Benedict XVI started figuring out how to use it.

Also, he can shoot lightning from his fingers.

Jim’s Runner Up: Shempu the Imaginary Sperm Whale Who Lives in Cam’s Bathtub.

Marshall: Boy, if Benedict isn’t already a political star, I don’t know who is.

I’m going to go in a different direction — Rep. Mike Pence has run and lost two campaigns for house leadership, but in the process, he’s built a corps of grassroots supporters across the country who appreciate his efforts to return the House Republican conference to its roots in Reaganism. Pence is a little known figure to most Americans. My bet — in a few more years, he’s going to be a household name.

Cam says: I’ll have to go with Britney Spears. We’ve seen her highs, we’ve seen her lows… we’ve seen her vagina. And yet we still loves us our Britney. Ten years from now, after the reality show, after the farewell tour, after the comeback tour, after the talk show and the Playboy pictorial… she’s going to run for Congress in Louisiana and win.

Shempu says: Wheeeee! I’m destined for political stardom! But Shempu’s pick for Destined for Political Stardom is Cindy Sheehan. I mean, she’s a Peace Mom. Who doesn’t love moms who are for peace? Besides, she looks kind of like Shempu’s Uncle Buster… and Shempu loves Uncle Buster.

Jim’s wrap up: Wow. Now that’s some variety in our winners. I’ll bet that right now Mike Pence’s office is thinking, “Hey, the boss got nominated in the same category as the Pope!”

Unfortunately, he also narrowly beat out an imaginary sperm whale.